Saucepan-Wearer Anonymous

Saucepan-Wearer Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from their addiction. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop wearing saucepans and other kitchen utensils about their body. The fellowship acknowledges that this addiction is not limited to saucepans, and welcomes members with any kitchen utensil addictions.

How are sufferers affected? Sufferers of this increasingly common addiction will find themselves unable to pass kitchen utensils without feeling a very strong urge to don the item, or items, they come into contact with. To someone without this addiction, a saucepan is a simple object - something you boil your vegetables in for the Sunday Roast, or maybe to warm milk for your evening cup of hot chocolate. A sufferer will see this and more. A saucepan is also a fashionable hat, one that provides protection and a convenient handle. A wooden spoon is more than just a stirring device, it's a hair accessory. A sieve isn't just for draining vegetables, it's also a contemporary headpiece, perhaps for the warmer months when a saucepan is just too searing. Before and after

Membership

There are no fees for membership, all we ask is a positive attitude towards fighting your own addiction. We use the 6 Step Recovery Program because it has already proven itself to work for a large proportion of afflicted members.

S-W.A. Promise

S-W.A. promise that as a fellowship it will do everything in it's power to assist all members of the fellowship through the 6 Step Recovery Program, a friendly shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and in extreme cases a tube of lubricant.

6 Step Recovery Program

Some steps in this recovery program offer a potential risk to your health. Never attempt a Performance (as opposed to MindSet) Step without your Saucepan-Buddy. The S-W.A. fellowship is unable to offer medical assistance should you choose to attempt these actions in solitude.

1. Remove If you have any saucepans on your head now, please remove them. If you are wearing any other utensils - for example, a wooden-spoon necklace - these should also be removed at this time.

2. Conceal You should now take any items removed in step one and conceal them. Do not try to conceal any items in your kitchen area, studies have shown that the kitchen is where almost 99% of saucepan-wearers have relapses. For a better level of concealment, ask your Saucepan-Buddy to conceal these items on your behalf next time you leave the house.

3. Avoid This might appear obvious, but wherever possible avoid kitchen utensils. Don't apply for a job as a dish-washer in a restaurant. Don't apply to be Handle Attacher at the local pan factory. The less contact you have with kitchen equipment, the less opportunity your addiction has to assert itself.

4. Forget Forget how to cook. See a hypnotist and ask him to erase that part of your mind. Once you've forgotten this skill survive by dating someone who loves preparing gourmet meals. Look up the telephone numbers for your favourite fast-food outlets and add them as speed-dial numbers on all of your phones. If you never have to cook again, you're one step closer to beating your addiction.

5. Isolate In extreme cases it may be prudent to isolate yourself from western civilisation and it's numerous utensils. Buy a remote island and live in an unlit cave. Join your local space-program and embark on a 5 year (potentially continuing) mission to seek out new life - at the same time living in a pan-free environment.

6. Broadcast Tell everyone about your addiction. Once you've told everyone, put up posters in local shops. Ask everyone to help you overcome your addiction. Tell them that's it's perfectly okay to tackle you to the ground for just gazing longingly at a saucepan. The more people that become aware of your problem, the more chance there is of someone being nearby to prevent you from relapsing back into your addiction. Don't be ashamed of your addiction. Everyone has their own addiction - yours is just more noticable when you're out in public.

Remember the Steps

In the fellowship we realised that it wasn't easy for our members to quickly remember the 6 Steps to recovery. That's why we picked 6 specific words to help you remember the rules; Remove, Conceal, Avoid, Forget, Isolate, Broadcast. Take a moment to look at these initial letters. As well as making a statement about the Radio Corporation of America, we've carefully ordered the steps so that if you remember them in the order "4, 3, 6, 1, 5, 2" the initial letters spell out the word FABRIC. What could be more difficult than remembering this one simple word? FABRIC, the solution you've been looking for!

Saucepan-Wearer Anonymous began in Sussex (UK) in 2004, and has since expanded throughout the UK and parts of Europe. Our literature is available in English, French, Russian and Japanese and our first book "How do I get that pan off my head?" is due to be published early 2005.